Square one

-

I’ve studied literature since I was 15. It is the only thing I have wanted to study. I loved it and I still do. I started writing criticism as an undergrad student and got published. I still write it and I still love literary theory. I never took a creative writing class, for none of the two universities where I was a student offered them. I never considered taking such a class, for I gave up writing literature when I was around 18. Ten years later, I started again, not with poetry, as I had written in my adolescence, but with prose. I was awful. To this day, I feel embarrassed by my first texts. I never tried to publish. I knew critics, I was one, and I used to be vicious as a critic. But writing literature (even one as crappy as mine) made me feel thrilled. It still does. It is also  emotional hell. I found my perfect creative outlet.

I have been writing fiction for 7 years now. I have a completed novella, which I cannot edit for the 10th time because only the thought makes me sick. I still like the story. Not so sure about the writing though. It’s been rejected several times, and I understood why every time. Still, I can’t bring myself to edit it again. I also have some short stories, which gather rejections. The problem is that I have grown to consider some of them as utter nonsense. I can’t work on them. And I mourn that in the beginning, I was in love with the idea from which they stemed. 

In all my years of study and love for theory, I never understood that weird is not good in fiction. I like reading weird fiction and probably that brought me to fantasy. There are only certain types of fantasy which I like, the weirder, the better. The problem is that what I write is incredibly weird, too. Most of the times, I have to censor my inner voice just to draw a clear storyline, one that the reader can understand. And when I “experiment” with my style, I often find my writing flat and uneventful. 

So yeah, after 20 years of studying literature and 15 years of being a literary critic, I find myself back to square one. It’s like I have no idea what I’m doing. It feels kind of writer’s block (I had that before) but less severe, because my day job is now also writing-related, and that makes me feel like I’m not wasting my life anymore. But starting over with literature, that’s a whole different deal, one which I am unsure I am willing to make.

Popular posts from this blog

Bali travel with my kid

-
Image
I started this blog long before becoming a parent because I wanted an outlet for my traveling experiences and because I wanted a place to write. After I had my daughter, I promised myself that I would not turn it into a parenting blog. I wrote according to my previous interests, such as traveling, literature, music, and food. I care for my daughter dearly and I have her best interest at heart, but I consider my experiences with her to be private, so I never wanted to write about them. This post will be an exception. When I became pregnant, I was repeatedly told that my "traveling habits" will have to change, aka that I won't be able to do it anymore. It hurt me deeply, mostly because it came from other parents who had not taken their kids outside the borders of the country. It hurt me because I believed them and I thought that my traveling days were over. When my daughter was 9 months old, we decided to take her to the seaside, without leaving the country. There is a...
Read more

Solenoid, a patra dimensiune

-
Image
în curs de apariție în Euphorion                 Recent, editura Humanitas a anunțat publicarea celei de-a doua ediții a romanului Solenoid al lui Mircea Cărtărescu, eveniment ce survine la șase luni de la publicarea primei ediții. Chiar și acest fapt în sine iese cumva din cutumele lumii editoriale românești, întrucât publicarea celei de-a doua ediții a unui roman la atât de scurt timp față de prima dezvăluie cel puțin o cifră de vânzări mult peste medie. Dincolo de cifrele de vânzări și dincolo de campania de marketing, Solenoid este o carte infinit surprinzătoare. Este o carte care până la urmă se citește ușor, în ciuda faptului că ulterior e extrem de greu să o relatezi. E un volum, unic în literatură română, radical diferit de absolut tot ce s-a scris în ultimii ani, diferit și față de ceea ce a scris Mircea că Cărtărescu anterior. În același timp, deși sfidează evident limitele realității și funcționăr...
Read more

Bali Offerings

-
Image
I've been practicing Vipassana meditation for five years. I started it to escape my horrific anxiety and panic attacks. In 3 guided sessions, it worked like a charm. I got rid of my panic attacks and learned to control my anxiety. And more. I learned to know myself. I also tried yoga. But this post is not about my experience with meditation and yoga. It is about peace. I have no community for my practice and I do not feel the need for one, as I am a loner. Few people are aware that I have these preoccupations. I live in a European country, one that is deeply committed to its own beliefs and rituals. And these meditative rituals are alien, no matter how much they have helped me. So when I decided to travel to Bali, I kind of knew what I was in for. I read about the culture, the unique mix of Hindu and Buddhist spirituality. I read about the daily offerings and how one was supposed to be careful with them. I looked at pictures of the Hindu statues of gods, beings so complex ...
Read more